Writing and Editing with Pumpkin Brain

The temperatures are still in the hundreds here in the desert. The only way to know it’s finally fall is through marketing and consumer shopping. Yes, I take all my seasonal cues in this form, otherwise I’d never know when winter was coming, especially now that Jon Snow is dead. (Oh, glorious Jon Snow, I will no longer watch Game of Thrones without you.) So, fall is not the time when the leaves change and the weather gets cool, but when stores are adorn with masks that will haunt your dreams and stacked with bags of glorious pumpkin candies and candy corns, packed with just enough sugar to land you in a diabetic coma.

What is this?
Oh, fall is here! Autumn! Glorious pumpkins: second row, third shelf. Oh yeah.
Warning: clown mask will kill you in your sleep. Please leave outside.
What in God’s name?! I think that clown mask moved itself.

Not to mention EVERYTHING is laced with pumpkin flavoring– chocolates, coffee, bread, pasta, beer, cigarettes and in Colorado, I’m pretty sure weed. New Slogan: Pumpkins! You can roll it, smoke it, eat it!

Now, if you happen to hate pumpkins, this is a really tough time of year for you. Don’t worry though. For every trend, there’s a backlash. Right now I guarantee there’s an anti-pumpkin rally going on. I generally don’t follow trends. Then I come out looking like a winner years later. Remember stirrup pants? Yeah, I don’t.

But, and I don’t know if I’m alone on this but, I have a real oral fixation problem when I’m editing. I chew pencils, gum, jerky, sunflower seeds. So come fall, I’m a real sucker for those awful candy pumpkins. I swear I have the sweet tooth of a 5-year-old trick-or-treater. I’d pass up creme brûlée and all sorts of fancy desserts for this $1.99 crap candy. I don’t know one adult that likes them. I only have one friend that likes candy corns, and even she says the pumpkins are too much of a sugar blast to handle. You have to be a major addict to love them. So that’s me. Hello, my name is Beyonce and I’m a Sugar Addict.

So I was editing all hopped up on sugar and caffeine, which is a terrible combination. Don’t ever try this at home. Boy, I’m a real idiot for using my body as a dumping ground for this garbage. But that’s what I did, editing while under the influence of those damn pumpkins until I couldn’t sit still any longer.

And then I did something stupid, I sent off my manuscript with this crap coursing through my veins. I had all this excessive energy, too, so I went out for a four mile run to burn it all off. But it’s freakin’ 106 degrees out, so I ended up sweating out pumpkin scented sweat, which really throws me off the whole pumpkin bandwagon. But it calmed me down enough to detox. My blood sugars returned to normal and the caffeine flushed out of my body. And then I sat down and reread my manuscript and dammit, I found a hundred errors and areas in need of improvement and I didn’t catch them because I was all hopped up on sugar and coffee.

The moral of the story, if it isn’t obvious, is that pumpkin candies are evil and will ruin your editing eye. And you thought I was going to suggest maintaining a healthy diet . . .

So now I’m curious — when writing or editing, do any of you have disastrous indulgences?


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